Woes Of Late

For the past few weeks I’ve been wondering if I made the right decision in weaning off of my meds. I’m afraid that I’m not ready; that symptoms of my depression, anxiety and OCD will come flooding back. It appears as if the depression has already started rearing it’s ugly head. I’ve been hideously exhausted for a few weeks now. Sleeping 9 to 10 hours a night instead of 8 and still requiring an hour long nap somewhere in the middle of the day. I’m also losing interest in several areas of my life. I’m no longer going to the gym 4 times a week. I’ve actually come to loath it and am finding it hard to commit to just one day. While I’m still managing to force myself to complete my school work, it doesn’t quite fascinate me the way it did just a few weeks ago. I’m getting A’s on all my assignments and doubting that it was me that earned the grade, but rather professors grading too easily. I’m also starting to isolate myself more and more. I’ve never been great at communicating with friends on a daily basis, but I’ve always managed to plan at least a weekly hangout with my close friends and enjoy myself during that time. Now I find myself feeling a lack of connection to these friends, which is crazy because I know I love them dearly. Yet, it’s causing me to make less of an effort to plan those get-togethers. My libido is still non-existent, which hinders my relationship with my husband. He’s mentioned that he feels a bit neglected or unwanted now that I’m not all over him. We were very proud of the fact that we were able to maintain such a strong spark long past the typical honeymoon phase of a new relationship. At 4 years in, strangers on the street would have assumed we were a brand new couple. These days it feels as if we’ve been married much longer than we actually have and have become distant. The more I think about all the ways in which my life seems to be crumbling the more I feel as if I’m powerless to change any of it. The things I know I should be doing to combat this seem like too much work. A part of me just wants to forget about weaning off and go back to the comfort of my typical dosage, but that’s not an option. Not just because the medication wasn’t meant to be long term, but because I’m no longer insured. My 26th birthday was the cutoff point for being on my parent’s insurance. I can no longer see my psychiatrists or therapist without having to pay out of pocket, which I simply can’t afford. The bottom line is I’m on my own. As hard as it may seem right now, I have to find a way to overcome this myself.

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