On Learning To Be Gentle With Myself

3d675678917bba596237431aef648f94It’s my second week of juggling work on top of grad school, and it’s already been a somewhat difficult adjustment. That feeling of not having enough time to accomplish it all hit me almost immediately. Looking at my weekly planner can be a bit daunting. There’s a rainbow of scheduled activities on each page; black for work, pink for class/assignments, blue for scheduled appointments/the gym, purple for special events, green for birthdays. Not to mention the things that don’t make it into the planner like household chores, my commute, meal prepping etc. There’s very little time in between it all to unwind. My mind has to be focused with few breaks from approximately 6am to about 10pm every night. It overwhelmed me for the first time last night. Tuesdays are my longest days, with 8 hours of work followed by another 3 of class. Halfway through class I could barely hold my head up anymore. It was then that we started talking about anxiety disorders & OCD related disorders. Those who have experienced these illnesses, like me, know that thinking about the symptoms can sometimes spark a sense of fear that we will experience them again. Normally, I can discuss both disorders or my experiences with them and be just fine, but because I was so tired my defenses were weak. Talking about Panic Disorder was tough enough, but when we started talking about Hoarding Disorder our professor decided to play a video clip of the show Hoarders (something I’ve tried to avoid like the plague, because I knew it would negatively effect me). As soon as I got a look at the client’s house I was horrified. Suddenly waves of anxiety started washing over me, I could have cried right there.

Today I don’t work, but even on my days off I set my alarm for 7am so that I have plenty of time to go to the gym and tackle some school work before class in the evening. I woke up feeling exhausted, and defeated by the thought of dragging myself to the gym in that state. I originally scheduled my gym sessions for mental health purposes rather than physical health. Today, I just didn’t believe that the gym would be beneficial for me mentally. What I needed was a bit more rest and something that would stimulate my mind gently (yoga, meditation and writing). I made the best decision by deciding to be gentle with myself. I could have told myself to suck it up and dragged myself to the gym. I could have also been too easy on myself by sleeping the entire morning away. However, I was able to realize that my unwillingness to go to the gym wasn’t about my usual laziness, but rather a genuine need to unwind in a way that included more than just sleep. I’m rather proud of my attunement to myself this morning, it gives me hope in my ability to continue down this busy path.

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