I apologize for my lengthy disappearance. My soul’s been sliding down the curves of a rainbow, unsure of what color suits it best. Between school, work, marriage and my newest endeavor, purchasing a home, I’m all over the spectrum. All I can do is embrace the ride & hope that each new phase of this chaotic life will be just as beautiful as the last.
Life has been difficult lately. On paper, the work and school schedule that I have is manageable. It leaves little room for a social life, but it works. What I didn’t anticipate when I committed to the schedule was a reemergence of OCD symptoms. When you throw a panic attack into the mix, and some everyday generalized anxiety while you’re at it, the workload becomes damn near impossible. For this reason, I’ve been struggling to maintain the light within me.
My work environment is the root of the issue. My office is known as the recreation department, which holds all the arts & crafts supplies, movies, games, beauty supplies, sports equipment, & misc. items the girls could ever dream of. What all that means to me is a whole lot of clutter. While I did my best to organize it in one full work day, I barely made a dent. Being in there makes me feel tense; in a constant state of discomfort. I’ve tried to just suck it up and not look behind me, where most of the clutter is, to no avail. Although the generalized anxiety escalated to panic attacks, I was afraid to open up to my supervisor about it. I felt as if I was asking for too much. Yet, I was at the point where something had to give. The anxiety followed me from the office to everywhere else, causing my quality of life to take a serious hit.
I wrote a letter of resignation during my desperation for an escape route, then pondered the option of turning it in for a week. It didn’t sit right with me, I felt like a coward. Yes I was setting my expectations for myself very high, but how would I ever conquer anxiety if I chose to run away from it? It finally dawned on me that maybe there could be a middle ground. I was preparing to run without even giving this agency, that had been so good to me thus far, a chance to work with me. I decided it was time to open up to my supervisor. I explained my symptoms to her and the source, along with a few suggestions of what I thought might help me (part-time hours and either a new office or a laptop to work elsewhere when symptoms worsened). To my surprise, she was more than willing to work with me. She thanked me for going to her rather than simply quitting under the pressure; she understood how difficult that was for me. My part-time schedule was mapped out and agreed upon. Finally, she’ll be speaking with the HR Director to try to work out the office situation. They’re going to try to get me out of there altogether, but the laptop will be the backup solution.
What a relief it’s been already. I am so appreciative of my supervisor’s willingness to accommodate my needs. Furthermore, I’ve learned a valuable lesson; asking for help shouldn’t be a shame inducing action. People might surprise you and extend a helping hand. As this photo depicts, “Life is so very difficult. How can we be anything but kind?”
A fitting quote for the hiatus I’ve been on for the last week or so. One of the ways I decided to spend some of my free time during winter break was with a 30-Day Yoga and Meditation challenge. The yoga challenge can be found on YouTube here, the meditation portion I added myself in an attempt to increase my meditation habits from about 4 times a week for 15-20 minutes to every day for 20-30. I’m on day 8 and I feel great! By the time I hit day 4, I felt lighter. Normally, feeling stagnant during times when I’m not working or going to school bums me out. I get a little bit lazier, sleeping and lounging away the days because there’s little else to do. This last week hasn’t been like that at all. I’ve started my mornings with yoga & meditation, usually followed by a run with Pooh Bear and that’s given me more energy to tackle all sorts of other tasks throughout my days. I still set aside an hour each day for my beloved naps, but lately I’ve been waking up before my timer hits that hour mark and some days I decide to skip the nap altogether. Whaaat?! That’s so unlike me…
The benefits of the challenge have been nice. Although, because the meditation has me caught up in being aware in the present moment, I’ve sort of neglected anything or anyone who hasn’t been in my presence lately. Christmas week flew by, and because I would toss my phone aside to fully enjoy family gatherings, I barely made the effort to respond to holiday texts + my social media accounts were as quiet as the night before Christmas. So, sorry I’ve been gone. I’ll make the effort to slow down for long enough to share some of my adventures with you 🙂